When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
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I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
Match dot com, but for socks.
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
Duck typos.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside