When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
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I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
My dog watching me set my burrito down when I go to answer the door
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
Publisher: You have a good story here, but I hate the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
all bases covered
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
That de-escalated quickly
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
Sometimes my cat sneezes and I’m like “Oh no. You’re allergic to cats.”