When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
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I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
paddle faster i hear baby shark
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
me: it’s recommended that to relieve stress you leave your desk and take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
this is how life feels
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance