When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
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If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
Batman: I’m going to adopt you, young teenager.
Robin: Great!
Batman: Here, put on these booty shorts.
Robin: Ummm….
Batman: Now, let’s do calisthenics together.
Not to be all get off my lawn about it but at what point are we going to decide that maybe our vacuums and our refrigerators don’t need to connect to the internet and I shouldn’t need to have a password to do my laundry.
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
My daughter got to pack her own lunch for the last day of school and it included a donut, 2 bags of chips, a shaker of sprinkles, and 1 tiny baby carrot because “it’s important to be healthy”
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.