Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *curling my hair*

Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.

I think nervous flatulence would be helpful if you were ever kidnapped

the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments

You’re an adult. You can do what you want.

Wait…You have kids? Nevermind.

The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.

So technically, I was on the news tonight.

My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁

“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”

One Tree Hill in 2009:

Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.

Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.

Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay

*goes to bed

wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.

The battle for ownership of the recliner between me & elder dog is becoming a blood match. Should I all of a sudden stop tweeting just know that I fought bravely.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole

MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool

Me: *dies*

My kids: *taking out Ouija board*

H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?

*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*

Friend: You look different…younger…really great

Me: I had a little something done

Friend: *whispers* Face lift?

Me: Colonoscopy

Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.

I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters

if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise

If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.

“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”

Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.

Date: Did you just spit your tooth out?

Me: Oh that’s not mine

So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.

I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.

*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!

A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…

Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.

Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.