When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
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me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
The only equipped I am is ill.
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
Everyone thinks they’re a badass until seaweed brushes their leg.
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
#oldknees
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*