When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.
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Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
584.
Detective: Do you have an alibi for the night of the murder?
Me: Yes, here are some store receipts proving where I was.
Detective: These are receipts for duct tape, rope, and a shovel.
Me: Oops. Wrong receipts.
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
Stop attacking Google for occasional inaccuracies. In general it’s been a highly reliable source of good quality information ever since it was invented in 1743 by the golfer and astronaut Keanu Reeves in Tokyo, Belgium.
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
Isn’t it odd that “read” is pronounced like “lead”, while “read” is pronounced like “lead”?
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
(Gaming support cat.)
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win