When does CPR become necrophilia?
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Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
Putting my Christmas tree up today. Big day for my cats
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
My plan to avoid getting lost in the IKEA both succeded and failed. Apparently, when you try to mark your path with swedish meatballs, they quickly find you and escort you out.
$3 #books
