“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
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Why can’t mirrors be nicer
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
Me waiting for the signs to change to “up to 75% off” at the Party City store that’s closing by our house.
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
Just checked my bank account. Looks like everyone’s getting a hug for Christmas.
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
If I’ve learned anything from soap commercials, it’s that only attractive people take showers.
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?