Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.

I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.

*fighting with the husband*

He: deal with it!!

Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*

Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.

I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.

Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread

Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.

One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.

You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.

“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom

Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?

*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s raining

Neil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no

Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.

The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind

Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development

I just made the PERFECT phone call!

My parents didn’t answer.

Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years

Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years

Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol

Me: come on what if we say it at the same time

Interviewer: ok deal

Me: ok, 3..2..1

In sync: making furniture for hamsters

[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*

No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.

I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.

Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*

Me: What was that all about?

Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.

[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]

MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.

ME: what’s for dinner tonight

BRAIN: what

sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.

Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.

Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!

parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”

Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password

Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)

I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.

If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?

Checkmate, science.

Nobody hides better than a good job these days. Can’t find a single one