“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
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*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
‘god is not a potato’ is one of those phrases that is going to live rent free in my head forever. and i’m not mad about it
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
How can I say no to this ?
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
My husband found a deal on golf shoes from a Facebook ad. He was so excited bc they were so cheap. He said, “Can you BELIEVE this price?” I said, “You have to be careful of those ads, a lot are scams.”
That conversation was 8 months ago and those shoes are still in transit.
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.