When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
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Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
The universe isn’t working so I’m going to turn it off and back on again. You will cease to exist for a few minutes. I apologize for the inconvenience.
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women & they want us to make the first move. 😏
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
dinosaurs are always described as “roaming” the earth which is patronizing as hell i bet they had places to go and important shit to do
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
Get in loser, we’re going overthinking
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
it’s amazing how alcohol feels great and also has zero negative longterm side effects