When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
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High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
I fixed it. For me
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
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h
i s