When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
You Might Also Like
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
dating apps never work for me because i need at least two years of friendship charged with weird sexual tension to even consider falling in love
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive