When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
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One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
*discovering a dead body*
Friend: When I said call for help I kind of meant the police?
Me: Aww man…sorry dude, you heard him.
Guy from Blue’s Clues: I’m still getting paid right
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
Did I do this right
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
being an artist is crazy because you’ll have one friend who just won a Tony, one friend who’s finally juuuust making enough to quit their day job & one friend who’s like “so my new side hustle is birthday party clown”
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
dating apps never work for me because i need at least two years of friendship charged with weird sexual tension to even consider falling in love
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.