When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
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Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
Donuts have holes in them just like acoustic guitars but that’s pretty much where the similarities end
At George Orwell’s grave yesterday an American lady asked us how, if he died in 1940 (not the worst bit of this story), did he write a book in 1984…
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”