When Dr. Pimple Popper squeezed people’s pimples for fun, they thanked her and gave her a tv show… but when I do it, I’m “violating boundaries” and “committing simple assault”, and “not a dermatologist”.
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the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
A NEW year? In this economy??? I’m settling for a certified pre-owned.
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
Damnit Dave can’t you keep a secret?
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
every time I roll over in the middle of the night
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
