When Dr. Pimple Popper squeezed people’s pimples for fun, they thanked her and gave her a tv show… but when I do it, I’m “violating boundaries” and “committing simple assault”, and “not a dermatologist”.
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Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
mocktails are awesome because they ask the question ‘how much could juice cost?’
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
I’m eating sandwiches you haven’t heard of in jeans you can’t pronounce
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can happen, will happen.
Kellogg’s Law: When pouring milk into your cereal you will always hit the one flake that makes it shoot across the table.
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
Be the reason they start searching bags for googly eyes at the entrance to your local zoo