When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
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I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
The Weeknd is back
bury ourselves
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of