Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I pack too much for a short trip.

Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday

Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies

I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information

Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?

I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today

Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.

One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”

I don’t tweet for attention, I jog in a wedding dress

Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!

[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.

[Traffic stop]

Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!

I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.

My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.

I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.

The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.

I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.

me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*

“and it goes without saying…”

*proceeds to say it*

Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:

im not a nepo baby, im a REPO baby. and i’m seizing your car! UPDATE: i acknowledge my father’s role as Head Repo Man and how that has awarded me certain privileges in my career. I am learning and growing. no you cannot have your car back

One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again

If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.

ME: my contract says I can work from home

BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine

*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!

*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!

I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast

cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor

*putting dead animal heads on the walls*

People will like this!

My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today

Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”