When driving behind a slow-poke do you ever steer your car over to the side a bit so the car behind you can see this shit’s not your fault?
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*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
no one ever comes back
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
I toss and turn in bed all night like a beautiful rotisserie chicken.
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
i hope all the people who have me blocked because i annoy them are mad as hell they have to read this shit again. hi.
☺️
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
All set.
me when i smell free food in the break room
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season