Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.

First date:

And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…

i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks

I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.

Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:

You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone

I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?

Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case

my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you

me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden

Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed

if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins

Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store

[at Home Depot]

Cashier: That’ll be $25

Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it

Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84

Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.

*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*

13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.

this tweet changed my entire outlook on life

I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?

I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.

[job interview]

What’s ur greatest strength?

“I wear too much cologne”

No, I mean-

“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”

The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene

#dnd

I went for a Pap Test today and the nurse said “I like your hair colour, is it natural?” and I replied “well, you’re about to find out.” [Seinfeld slap bass end scene] x

Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that

my wife: “we should go to that buffet where you slipped on fettuccine alfredo you spilled while running to the cheese fountain”

me: “you’ll have to be more specific”

Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and

It’s almost like we’re living in a zoo if we charged the animals in the zoo for taxes, food, rent, and healthcare.

what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??

GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big

[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilos

ME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear

What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?

[First day as a beaver]

Me: Dam.

Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.