Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.

17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute

DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high

MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious

Counting your noodles demonstrates an affinity for ramen numerals.

If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”

I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”

Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.

Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework

Me: -holds up yellow

Me: What color is this?

4: McDonalds

The end

She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”

perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself

sigh

Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?

Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?

INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes

Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral

how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?

[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.

I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered

My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.

Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩

interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any

me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses

I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school

waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument

me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember

[harry potter at an interview]

interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes

harry: that’s correct, sir

interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow

Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.

Them: No we get that.

Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me

The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses

if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking

My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes

Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.

I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.