When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
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Ah, 50s…you just keep on giving.
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
Brat summer over. Time for Farfalle Fall.
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
“So you walk, then walk some more. Sometimes there’s hills. Oh yeah and you have to say hi to absolutely everyone you see or else.” – Person that invented hiking
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
live footage of daylight savings taking the sun away at 4pm
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”