Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.

Me:

Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy

There are 2 kinds of people in this world:

1. People who aren’t good with numbers

Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.

after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams

Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude

Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.

“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.

Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.

If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.

Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here

[robbing Whole Foods]

“All the cash in a bag NOW!”

100% organic reusable bag ok?

“Yes!”

[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag

Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes

Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.

OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM

Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field

Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”

Me: No I want to get hit by lightning

Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.

Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.

My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate

Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.

Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.

It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer

Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’

Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’

Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.

Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.

“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”

-Unorganized Crime

A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.

My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.

My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium

[in a club]

ME: have you seen my moves?

HER: no

ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*

If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.