Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: Where’s your dad?

Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.

Wife: He’s what?

Son: Himalayan out.

Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.

dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why

Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.

-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.

-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.

“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”

*sandwiches

you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and

shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.

so you jump to death from the check-out desk.

My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”

Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.

Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?

THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you

DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude

Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.

[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this

My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.

Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever

Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.

If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.

Why are there so many questions these days… you go to get money out the atm and its like 17 questions… just give me my money you damn nosy machine

Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.

People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.

I have questions??

How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table

[exam room]

me: *waits patiently*

doctor: *enters physicianly*

Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.

Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”

I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her

Don’t you just love arts and crafts?

Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard

me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now

judge: it’s called “sentencing”

2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |