Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot

The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.

Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.

Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.

A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother

Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.

ME: So. You from around here?

HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.

At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.

At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”

I like this way better.

gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone

me: don’t worry I only breathe air

I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”

“I wasn’t born yesterday.”

-hilarious talking baby

When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.

I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much

[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.

“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon

“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies

I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect

Me: these edibles are shit

(30 minutes later)

I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos

If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns

I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.

My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.

Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done

It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.

Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.

[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys

I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought

Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.

I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware

Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*

Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*