Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook

It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.

so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”

you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription

I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.

40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments

Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.

News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.

Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.

The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?

me: dentist said the kids have the plague

wife: plaque

me: yes a memorial would be good

*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*

Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one

*waits several days to eat leftovers*

Wife: I was just going to eat that!

*waits a week to eat leftovers*

Wife: I was just going to eat that

*waits a month to eat leftovers*

Wife: I was just going to eat that!

Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.

Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food

why can’t i find normal clothes anymore why is it all either $5 for a scrap of polyester produced in evil ways or $200 for a basic shirt

Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.

I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.

Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*

mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.

On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?

DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes

I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.

No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.

Wife: I want a divorce.

Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.

Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done

It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.

I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring

The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.

In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.

I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.

She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.