Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”

IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP

girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.

A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble

Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”

Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”

thoughts?

At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.

Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.

Person: how does writing work?

Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise

Person: then you’re done with the book?

Writer: then you move to the next sentence

Pretty sure the best place to hide a dead body is in a tab you opened in a new window to read later.

Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.

Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?

I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”

Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.

I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.

“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”

-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.

When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.

RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved

35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good

[god creating hotdogs]

inflate that worm

Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.

A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need

Wanna hear a construction joke?

I’m working on it.

#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..

Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*

[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what

No one:

London landlords:

Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏

I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching

Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.

I went to the candle store today.

They were having a blowout sale.

CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.