When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
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The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
[my landlord staring at the penguin enclosure] You’re not getting your deposit back
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots