When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
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8 year old: we’re learning about ancient Rome at school
me: awesome! I’ve actually been to the Colosseum
8 year old: did you watch the people fighting?
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
Doormats are a gateway rug.
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
My vegetarian sister discovered we were all in a separate group chat without her, sharing delicious food photos, called Secret Meat Up
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball