Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”

This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.

If you innocently act like you don’t know, people will explain dirty words to you and it’s hilarious.

[bedroom]

Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished

Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*

Me: no please I forgot the safe word

*washing car*

Neighbor: “You washing your car?”

Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”

Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.

What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”

After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill

Goats that intimidate others are bully goats

Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…

Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”

I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.

[breakfast in hell]

STALIN: Toast is burnt

POL POT: Eggs are rotten

HITLER: I hate the juice

STALIN: Oh here we go

HITLER: I said JUICE

I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.

if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you

(Showing off new car)

Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?

Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one

Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes

Dress for the job you want others to think you have.

I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.

– Viagra addict

when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce

My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.

Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.

*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*

I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens

A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.

imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever

Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.

[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.

[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.

I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode

women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there