Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

more water

*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*

Genius.

[marriage counseling]

We just don’t see eye to eye

“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”

YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN

You are what you delete.

In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.

Loan officer: What’s your social?

Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.

*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking

did… did they arrest the mountain lions

Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).

[In Bed]

Her: You feeling spicy tonight?

Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.

I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.

I think I found my spirit animal.

Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?

“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife

[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff

seashell: [holding me to its ear]

me: [making city noises]

You: Cute kid. What’s his name?

Me: Kenwood.

You:

Me: I’m really into stereotypes.

[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park

Cop: Have you been drinking sir?

Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.

Cop: Step out of the vehicle.

Me: Sprite.

My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about

No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.

Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.

Me in 2022: when will my child talk

My child in 2024: WELL MOMMY DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT I AM FINKING NOW? I AM FINKING ABOUT MR. WOGERS WENT TO THE ZOO AND SAW A PANDA. IT IS DARK. MOMMY WE SHOULD GET A WANTERN FOR OUR PORCH. AND A VERY SHORT STORY IS ONCE UPON A TIME THE END

Can’t. Just put my hair in a bun and that’s just about enough exercise for today.

Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.

Day 2: Moldy.

Repeat weekly.

One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.

I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.

me: ted is coming over tonight

wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over

me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird

My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.

Florida be like…