When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
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*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
Publisher handing my horror novel back to me with shaking hands: you need to lose the pop-ups
This toddler just ran up to me in Target, crying for me to pick him up. I didn’t know what to do, so I did & he stopped crying, immediately. His mom then walks up to me & says, “Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry sir. But you look just like his daddy” 💀.
Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.
Went to my buddy’s house and he thought this absolute monster was gonna slip by without further inquiry
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
[checking IMDb while watching Planet of The Apes] …oh, the zoo! That’s what I know him from!
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here