Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton

Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct

Occam’s toothbrush: show off

Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.

I followed you because you’re hot

-Mosquitoes

ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful

Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box

My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.

I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”

Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.

I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.

Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave

9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?

i slept so well last night

guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that

deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)

My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?

I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.

Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.

Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’

I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do

If chickens knew how good they tasted they would understand.

It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing

Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware

I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.

I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.

Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No

I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.

Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.

Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!

Me: *shoving my way to the front* no

SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too

me: just bear with me

bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in

My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.

Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.