When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
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Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
🌲😼
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
being a social worker is crazy because those are literally my 2 least favorite things
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.