When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
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I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.