When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
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my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
Tony Hawk, age 6
3yo (confidently): But Mommy, people do not eat cows.
Me: Uh, bud, we do. Hamburgers are made of cow.
3yo (uncertain laughter): Mommy, that is funny for pretend. But I mean for REAL.
Me: Yes, for real!
3yo (w/ scorn) No.
Me: What do you think burgers are made of?
3yo: People?😶
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
Whenever your girlfriend tells you she’s on her period remember not to say things like ‘that explains it.’
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
I left my wallet in the car and asked my 9yo if I could borrow $3. He gone say “look at me carrying this family on my back”.
Boy…💀💀💀💀
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.