When ever I read an autobiography, my biggest question is always, how the fuck did you remember all that?
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you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
You don’t need to explain yourself if you carry a chainsaw.
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
Normalize asking if this is an intervention whenever someone invites you over
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
when i said i wanted to be held, i didn’t mean accountable.
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?