When ever I read an autobiography, my biggest question is always, how the fuck did you remember all that?
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[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
banana peels are my favorite fall accessories
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
hear me out : pockets for your socks
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
It’s time for Final Jeopardy! 👨🏻
Category: Sharks of the Sea
This shark is nicknamed the “garbage can of the sea” for its indiscriminate diet, which includes turtles, seabirds, and even license plates.
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.