When ever I read an autobiography, my biggest question is always, how the fuck did you remember all that?
You Might Also Like
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
“We will wed,” I threatened
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
I’m voting [cheers] for a third party candidate [boos] in a blue state [mixed response] in the chalamet lookalike contest [quizzical looks]
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
Her: How were the joggers I got you for your birthday?
Dracula: Delicious