when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
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My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
you will never catch me dying in a cave or whilst climbing Mount Everest. you know who hasn’t suffered a gruesome death far in the caverns below ground? me, because I’m in my jim-jams, reading
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
starting a new competition called Bad Olympics where you’re not allowed to compete if you have any sort of natural advantage that makes you good at a sport
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.