Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am having an out of money experience.

Dr: do you know why you gained weight?

*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*

Me: no, better run some tests

Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?

All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.

Why would I go to my high school reunion? I didn’t want to be there the first time.

Head Chef: You’re fired.

Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-

Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.

My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call

don’t feel bad if you don’t succeed on your first try. it took Michael Angelo sixteen chapels

HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*

STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?

CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—

CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.

me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?

priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific

How’s your Saturday going?

I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.

Boss: In what ways have you grown or matured in the year you have been here?
Me, glancing at the hidden notebook detailing my 36 point revenge plot against another department: By learning how to let things go

Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…

MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on

ME: *visibly ages*

At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.

[during sex]

HER: I want you to make me scream

ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*

I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat

Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s

I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.

Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor

Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.

Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.

ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.

GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired

wearing a condom while she on birth control call that two factor authentication

Every house has this drawer

“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”

What do you call a denim expert?

A jeanius.

Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?

Me:…I rap a lot less.

Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.

Wanna know what it’s like being married?

Chain yourself to a wild animal.

Now kick the animal.