When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
You Might Also Like
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
Oh, I bet you would be
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
tis the season
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
What do you do for a living?
I’m a spy !
Why are you dressed like a shepherd?
I’m a shepherds spy !
sure sex is great for your memory but have you guys ever had sex? i heard it’s great for your memory.
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
Boeing astronauts this morning trying to book a return trip with Uber
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?