Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck

Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
(Read More)

Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol

Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.

Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.

*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
ＨＵＭＡＮ

A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?

can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?

[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]

I’m protesting the climate.

Ladies, if he’s never gonna:

-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt you

He’s not your man, he’s tacos

I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.

An AI comedian? The jokes write themselves.

Me: *Swimming with dolphins*

Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?

Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…

Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*

It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.

God: *creates oceans*

Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL

God: Get out

Fred Flintstone drove by this morning

just drank a fifth of lava lamp juice, dare me to drive?

taking one edible and remembering my high school locker combination then taking a second edible and forgetting how to multiply by six

If you purchase flame retardant pants, you can tell all the f****ng lies you want.

And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.

Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.

How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?

“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”

“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”

“What attracted you to our company?”

Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work

“So here’s a bit ab how the interview process will work:

1. initial phone screening
2. in-person interview
3. American Ninja Warrior course
4. fight to the death

If you have any questions ab this or the low-paying, entry-level job opportunity, pls don’t hesitate to ask 🤗.”

What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa

Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.

Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?

[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.