Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a group of crows is a murder

a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder

[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]

Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs

My sister’s birthday cake 🤣

Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree

Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love

I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint

Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.

got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim

my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”

Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.

Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now

Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?

Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.

I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.

I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.

Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts

*gets filled with hope*

Hope: *has a leak*

Peppa pig = spicy bacon

Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.

My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.

God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human

Jesus: Can I drink?

God: Yes

Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?

God: No

Jesus: Can I have a man cave?

God: Eventually *winks at angel*

People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.

lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg

My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.

I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.

The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime

Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.

[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on

no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????

Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.

Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.

Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.

*finally detangles ear buds

*plane lands