when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
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Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
I heard there was a secret cord
You plug it in and you meet the Lord
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
incredible
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut