when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
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police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
Time to play: am I having an aneurysm or is my bun too tight?
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
My 4yo screamed at the top of his lungs at 6:45am this morning, we are staying at my in laws, so I said “I’m not sure everyone likes it when you scream like that.” Then, from the other side of the room, my 18mo who last week could barely say 10 words, “Winnie like it”
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.