When explaining to your mother how to work the volume on her phone, “there’s only 3 buttons” is apparently the wrong answer.
Expect a 20 minute rant.
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wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
ghostly voice: Get Out!!!
me: I love that movie
ghostly voice: FFS
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
Doctor: Ted, you’re dying,
Patient: My name’s not Ted.
Doctor (checking clipboard): Linda, you’re pregnant.
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
*Washes off eyeliner*
Ok, weigh me now.
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.