@Mechaniz10

When explaining to your mother how to work the volume on her phone, “there’s only 3 buttons” is apparently the wrong answer.

Expect a 20 minute rant.

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@LadyM_07

I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.

@Chalupanati

*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne Johnson

The world finally knows what the Rock was cookin

@dumbbeezie

“I’m doing good, how are you?”

-Me lying out of my lying liar hole

@WheelTod

The most judgmental aquatic mammal is probably the seal of disapproval.

@lisaxy424

Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.

@slaughthie

“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.

@Home_Halfway

Every time the media has to report on Trump they should misspell his name and call him Mr. Turnip until he loses his mind completely

@TheToddWilliams

[cat adoption agency]

Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*

Me: What the hell?

Counselor: You’re not ready