When explaining to your mother how to work the volume on her phone, “there’s only 3 buttons” is apparently the wrong answer.

Expect a 20 minute rant.

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[haunted house]

ghostly voice: Get Out!!!

me: I love that movie

ghostly voice: FFS


Doctor: Ted, you’re dying,

Patient: My name’s not Ted.

Doctor (checking clipboard): Linda, you’re pregnant.


Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.