I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
When explaining to your mother how to work the volume on her phone, “there’s only 3 buttons” is apparently the wrong answer.
Expect a 20 minute rant.
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Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne Johnson
The world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
Had me at the first half.
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
The most judgmental aquatic mammal is probably the seal of disapproval.
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
Every time the media has to report on Trump they should misspell his name and call him Mr. Turnip until he loses his mind completely
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready