When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
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Got kicked out of the pool for practicing synchronized swimming because my partner apparently “had no idea who I was or what I was doing.”
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
My new drivers license arrived and when I opened it, I gasped.
How’d they get a picture of my mother?
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
This is my emotional support Jurassic Park Burger King watch
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
