When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
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Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
So sick of all these stupid rules
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…