When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
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Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
Hmmmmmmm….
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
A friend helps you before you need it
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.