pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
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I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
This is my bus stop.