@tweetrajouhari

When famous people say that the key to great skin is like… simply washing with soap… I want them to go to jaiI for this.

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@PleaseBeGneiss

Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember

@jake_likes_naps

[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks

@phalguy

I wrote a book titled:
How Dragons Are Greater Than Unicorns

Daenerys Targaryen wrote the foreword.

All she wrote was: No shit Sherlock!

@daemonic3

Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.

@VerbsRProudest

Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.

@SamuelHLowe

It’s not working out because we like different things. For example, I like quiet evenings at home, and she likes someone else.

@truegritrumble

ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.

@iGreenMonk

*Neighbor text – Sorry for using your wife. Use only when you’re not at home*

*Shoots Wife*

*Neighbor text again – I mean ‘Wifi’ not wife*

@TheHyyyype

friend: what’d you do today?

me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest

friend: niiiice, how was it

me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet

@PostCultRev

“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.