When famous people say that the key to great skin is like… simply washing with soap… I want them to go to jaiI for this.

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Me: My dog ran away two days ago

Dog pound: Does he have a tag?

Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?


I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.


The store keeps calling me to come back and buy more bedroom furniture, but all I really wanted was one night stand.


Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?


judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever

jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam

judas: yo what the f


Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.


If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.

The more you know


Me and my gf always laugh at how competitive we are but I laugh more.


I lost 42 pounds!!!

Help me find her before her mother comes back!