When famous people say that the key to great skin is like… simply washing with soap… I want them to go to jaiI for this.

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Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember


[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]


I wrote a book titled:
How Dragons Are Greater Than Unicorns

Daenerys Targaryen wrote the foreword.

All she wrote was: No shit Sherlock!


Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.


Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.


It’s not working out because we like different things. For example, I like quiet evenings at home, and she likes someone else.


ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.


*Neighbor text – Sorry for using your wife. Use only when you’re not at home*

*Shoots Wife*

*Neighbor text again – I mean ‘Wifi’ not wife*


friend: what’d you do today?

me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest

friend: niiiice, how was it

me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet


“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.