Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
When famous people say that the key to great skin is like… simply washing with soap… I want them to go to jaiI for this.
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Jim was never known for sharing
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
The store keeps calling me to come back and buy more bedroom furniture, but all I really wanted was one night stand.
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
Me and my gf always laugh at how competitive we are but I laugh more.
I lost 42 pounds!!!
Help me find her before her mother comes back!