When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
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My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
What.
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀