When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
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“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
That’s easy for you to say
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?