When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
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Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
How to find Kentucky on a map
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw