When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
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#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
“We will wed,” I threatened
him: you’re an perfect 10.
me: omg, thank you!!! you want to go out some time or—
shoe salesman: i meant, your feet, sir.
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
the answer was staring at me all along
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.