When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
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My enemy threatened to send one armed man after me, but I’m not worried
I have two arms and should easily overpower him
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
I have a type: disappointing
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
Accidentally turned my clocks back too far and ended up at a Wham concert.
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight