When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
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Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
starting my period on election day because i’m a true patriot who bleeds for this country
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
A 20% discount sounds great until you realize you can’t afford the other 80%
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
ah yes….my favourite videogame
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
in the 9th grade, everyone dressed up as a hero, but i didn’t. a guy i liked asked me what I was dressed as, and i said i’m dressed as your girlfriend. he skipped the next 2 days
i just want to say sorry you failed your algebra test brad but i’m still dressed as your girlfriend
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers