When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
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THE AUDACITY. 😤
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
“I FIXED IT!”
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
The next James Bond should be weird. Like he wears a train conductor’s hat and he’s afraid of balloons
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.