When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
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The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”