When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
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Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men