When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
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My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
thoughts?
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.