Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.

For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.

The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.

Draw me like one of your French Fries.

If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.

Terminator: I’LL BE BACK

Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha

Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back

“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.

Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.

Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.

“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”

Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?

The doctor asked if I was sexual active.

I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.

I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.

This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.

Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.

Me: You’re absolutely right.

[buys the concert tickets]

Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,

Take me with you.

“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook

I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt

Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.

Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’

Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.

Excuse me but would you sign my petition to ban asking people to sign petitions?

My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.

I just killed a huge bug on the back porch with my shoe. No one steals my shoe.

Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda

I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.

My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.

I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them

there are two kinds of people:

those who only want you for Christmas
and those who expect a fruit tree, a shit ton of birds, dancing servants, expensive jewelry, and a musical band

and they marry each other

I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES

*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD