Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?

If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow

this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.

my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”

I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.

Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…

ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.

Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.

I bought 6 apples and without knowing, my gf bought 10 apples. She gave 3 away to our neighbor and honestly I didn’t think this sort of thing actually happened.

dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore

FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”

apple needs to start giving headphones for free again because if i have to hear that “oh no no no” tiktok audio out loud on the train again im gonna start tying people to the train tracks

This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.

That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.

A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.

My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.

I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.

[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.

While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.

GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!

A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.

Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.

[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender

I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.

mr. rogers: can you get me a pack of camels

amelia bedelia: *comes back with a caravan*

I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise

[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force

Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.

“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.

I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.

Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.

One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail

Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂