When folks describe me as ‘a riot’, you might think it means I’m ‘fun and hilarious’. It really means I’m ‘broken glass and molotov cocktails’.
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So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
Morning all.
How did the person who invented the spelling of “banana” decide when to stop?
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
Trying to limit my time on Twitter. Very aware of my responsibilities. Very going to scroll just a little longer… three hours later.
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.