When folks describe me as ‘a riot’, you might think it means I’m ‘fun and hilarious’. It really means I’m ‘broken glass and molotov cocktails’.
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Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
Someone asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
30 minutes was not the right answer.
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
Even though he murders a lot of people, you can tell Freddie Kruger is a fun loving guy cause he goes by Freddie and not Fred or Frederick
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s