When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
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I would like you to meet my significant other. Her name is Cheese.
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
Passengers always complaint about airport prices, but where else can you get a burger for only £5?
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
Krampus.
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
“Hi, where do you have the books we can buy?”
“Unfortunately we don’t have any books for sale here.”
“Really? What kind of library is this?”
“The kind that’s not a bookstore?”
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
My goal is to spend no more than $7 from now until January
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you