When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
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Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
My Saturday was goin great til I realized it’s actually Sunday
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication