Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Sonic]

Me: … and 17 orders of tater…

Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.

BEETROOT

Beetroot, beetroot
Purple, earthy treat root
Come hither to my house with me

Beetroot, beetroot
Purple, earthy treat root
I long to roast you for my tea

#NationalPoetryDay

a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.

hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!

you can read the whole thing here:

My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.

<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.

You’re likely of an age where, in previous centuries, you would be the village elder, dispensing advice and wisdom.

*reads your timeline*

Or maybe not

I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.

America: Japanese ads are extremely weird

Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*

I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.

– me flirting

PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.

This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan

[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]

Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.

It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.

As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?

Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation

[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*

Saw online –

How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?

Is it four? Please say it’s four.

Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief

Some cool things about NYC are that it’s the nation’s largest city, an international cultural and economic hub, and right now there are about 8 people left running it

If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.

Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.

HER: i love mythology

ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too

Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage

Bar tender: On the rocks?

Me: What? No. Full of coke

My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”

So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!

[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where

every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood