Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box

Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!

This was a bad idea all around

Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?

Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-

Wife: Thirty-seven

Adopted a “failed” police dog who was given up for rehoming. Always been a brilliant addition to the family. Loving, caring, protective. Started to wonder why the cops rejected him. Then we took him to the woods where he saw a squirrel, got scared & ran head-first into a tree.

Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?

you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.

*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery

Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…

Chaffing.

That’s all I’m saying…

PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers

ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam

[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationery

philosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox

I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.

Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.

me, late night cleaning: I am an adult woman

also me: I am not opening the blinds to clean the patio door because murderers

[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad

I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.

Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!

First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n

Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?

Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!

Captain: *sniff* Yarrr

My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.

So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.

Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.

I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back

*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*

My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.

when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭

Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer

So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!

I need to sieze this.

I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!

My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out

her: this man needs medical help

me: let me through I’m a doctor

her: why are you opening his mouth?

me: no cavities

her: he’s having a heart attack

me: flosses regularly

her: do something

me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great

The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.